So Special

Current mood: blessed

I can't believe this is happening!

Over the last month I have had a range of emotions from sheer happiness to downright frustration… and I am sure the feelings will continue as I ride this emotional rollercoaster.

I haven't really 'felt' pregnant since I found out I was. I have come to find out that that feeling is perfectly normal at the stage I am at. However it seems disappointing. One would think that once there is a human growing inside you it would turn your life upside down. Not in my case, at least… not yet.

I have not had any real morning sickness to speak of… I guess that is the main reason I don't feel pregnant yet. But as many of you say- my time will come. I do, however, have frequent restroom stops and an undying need for naps that I never really needed before. I have some odd food aversions and cravings and some very, very strange dreams and nightmares- that for some reason- seem to happen almost nightly and for some reason I am able to remember nearly all of them; all signs that I am, really, pregnant.

I went in for an ultrasound on February 23^rd. I have to say that it blew away the last ultrasound I had. The last one was done in an E.R. setting whereas the woman doing it would not only not let me see the screen, she also would not tell me anything about what she was seeing. I was also then- alone. This time I had the company of my dear, sweet husband. Nothing compares to that.

When I walked into the ultrasound room I was anticipating the same manner of procedure. Come to find out- this technician was actually friendly. First she asked me how I was feeling. My answer was simply "not pregnant." That changed in the matter of a few minutes; just as long as it took her to put warm lubrication on my abdomen and gently start the procedure. To my amazement she actually pushed the screen over so that I could view it as well. At first all I saw was a black circle; which I knew from all my reading was a good thing- water. Then the closer I looked I saw the figure of our child! I was ecstatic! Right afterwards she said "there is the heart, its beating, this is a viable pregnancy." I didn't see it, but Doug did. She assured me that she would find it again for me to see. After a couple of minutes a bunch of bars jetted across the bottom of the screen and then sound came to join the bars. Sounds like I have never heard before- very fast and furious. I shouted- "is that its heartbeat!?" She replied- "yes, it is" and I read that the baby's heartbeat was 167 beats per minute. I asked if that was a good heartbeat and she told me that it was perfectly normal. Tears started welling up my eyes. At this very moment it made everything so real. To finally see and hear the baby was the most amazing moments of my life. The whole thing only lasted about 15 minutes. She had me go get dressed. While I was getting dressed she printed off a couple copies of images that she had captured. When I walked out of the restroom Doug had the pictures in his hand and showed them to me. I took them and said "it's a blob, I can't see anything!" Just as he was about to point everything out I took a much closer look and noticed what I thought was its head, arms, etc… I couldn't believe what I was seeing… my baby! This IS real!
After a few minutes of sitting there the technician came back in and informed us that I was 8 weeks along that very day and that the due date is October 5^th.

Once we left the room we headed out to the waiting room to wait for my next appointment; with my obstetrician. After a long wait we were called back and sat and waited some more. The doctor finally made his way in for about a five minute meeting. He went over all of my problems/conditions and quickly sent me on my way with a slew of procedures I need to complete and medicine regimes to start. I really feel that he knows what he is doing. And he assured me that this pregnancy has a great chance of being a very healthy one, with some lifestyle changes.

My face seemed frozen the rest of the day. I couldn't seem to wipe the smirk off my face if I tried. I have never been happier than I am right now. This is truly life's' greatest miracle!
I have never felt more like a woman, a woman with a purpose. I have never felt so… special.

My First Ultrasound!!!

Ultrasounds

I have never been happier than I am right now

Current mood: VERY happy!

I can’t believe this is happening!
Over the last month I have had a range of emotions from sheer happiness to downright frustration… and I am sure the feelings will continue as I ride this emotional rollercoaster.I haven’t really ‘felt’ pregnant since I found out I was. I have come to find out that that feeling is perfectly normal at the stage I am at. However it seems disappointing. One would think that once there is a human growing inside you it would turn your life upside down. Not in my case, at least… not yet.
I have not had any real morning sickness to speak of… I guess that is the main reason I don’t feel pregnant yet. But as many of you say- my time will come. I do, however, have frequent restroom stops and an undying need for naps that I never really needed before. I have some odd food aversions and cravings and some very, very strange dreams and nightmares- that for some reason- seem to happen almost nightly and for some reason I am able to remember nearly all of them; all signs that I am, really, pregnant.I went in for an ultrasound on February 23rd. I have to say that it blew away the last ultrasound I had. The last one was done in an E.R. setting whereas the woman doing it would not only not let me see the screen, she also would not tell me anything about what she was seeing. I was also then- alone. This time I had the company of my dear, sweet husband. Nothing compares to that. When I walked into the ultrasound room I was anticipating the same manner of procedure. Come to find out- this technician was actually friendly. First she asked me how I was feeling. My answer was simply “not pregnant.” That changed in the matter of a few minutes; just as long as it took her to put warm lubrication on my abdomen and gently start the procedure. To my amazement she actually pushed the screen over so that I could view it as well. At first all I saw was a black circle; which I knew from all my reading was a good thing- water. Then the closer I looked I saw the figure of our child! I was ecstatic! Right afterwards she said “there is the heart, its beating, this is a viable pregnancy.” I didn’t see it, but Doug did. She assured me that she would find it again for me to see. After a couple of minutes a bunch of bars jetted across the bottom of the screen and then sound came to join the bars. Sounds like I have never heard before- very fast and furious. I shouted- “is that its heartbeat!?” She replied- “yes, it is” and I read that the baby’s heartbeat was 167 beats per minute. I asked if that was a good heartbeat and she told me that it was perfectly normal. Tears started welling up my eyes. At this very moment it made everything so real. To finally see and hear the baby was the most amazing moments of my life. The whole thing only lasted about 15 minutes. She had me go get dressed. While I was getting dressed she printed off a couple copies of images that she had captured. When I walked out of the restroom Doug had the pictures in his hand and showed them to me. I took them and said “it’s a blob, I can’t see anything!” Just as he was about to point everything out I took a much closer look and noticed what I thought was its head, arms, etc… I couldn’t believe what I was seeing… my baby! This IS real!After a few minutes of sitting there the technician came back in and informed us that I was 8 weeks along that very day and that the due date is October 5th.
Once we left the room we headed out to the waiting room to wait for my next appointment; with my obstetrician. After a long wait we were called back and sat and waited some more. The doctor finally made his way in for about a five minute meeting. He went over all of my problems/conditions and quickly sent me on my way with a slew of procedures I need to complete and medicine regimes to start. I really feel that he knows what he is doing. And he assured me that this pregnancy has a great chance of being a very healthy one, with some lifestyle changes.My face seemed frozen the rest of the day. I couldn’t seem to wipe the smirk off my face if I tried. I have never been happier than I am right now. This is truly life’s greatest miracle!I have never felt more like a woman, a woman with a purpose. I have never felt so… special.

Sunday mornin' breakfast at Aunt Mary and Uncle Doug's!

Current mood: appreciated

On the weekends around here we like to have some hot, homemade, yummy food. Today we had waffles, sausage patties, orange juice, milk and kiwi! Yum! Yum!

Uncle Doug, (cousin) Taylor, Becky, James, Christina and Makayla

Silly Uncle Doug!

Home from the hospital

Current mood: anxious

Well… I'm finally home! I got out of the hospital yesterday around 3:00 p.m.

I went in Thursday afternoon for what was supposed to be a 24 hour observation but they ended up admitting me to keep track of my levels. When I went in my blood pressure and sugar were both sky high which are horrible for the baby.

The first day I sat for a few hours in the E.R., after that I was moved to Progressive Care for my 24 hour observation.

For the first few hours I was in a ward with four other people; it was miserable to say the least. Around 1:00 a.m. the old lady next to me had an explosion, and you know how that is to a pregnant woman's sensitive nose… I was soon transferred. I was so happy to be in a room all by myself. About 3:00 a.m. the nurse came in to tell me that an ultrasound had been ordered. I was ecstatic at the thought of being able to see my baby on screen!

Now the bad news… I either had to drink a whole bunch of water to get a full bladder for the ultrasound or do a foley catheter. Doing the catheter I would be able to get the procedure done sooner- so I went with that option.

I was soon very disappointed to find out that the lady doing my ultrasound not only wouldn't allow me to see the screen, but also was not allowed to tell me a thing about what she was seeing. I was so perturbed. She said that a nurse or doctor would be able to give me information upstairs.

Finally after about 45 minutes I was taken back upstairs. I tried to sleep but all I could think about was the results of the ultrasound. Every time a nurse would come in I would ask about it and no one had any information for me. The minutes felt like hours, the hours felt like days.

About 2:00 p.m. Friday I was transferred to the birthing center of the hospital. This is where I was to see the doctor who was to be my Maternal Fetal Medicine High Risk OB. The wait began.

Friday went by, Saturday went by… Saturday night was the most excruciating! I was sick from about 5:00 p.m. until 8:00 a.m. Sunday. I thought it would never end. Come to find out- I think I had a bug, I hope anyway. I have not been sick since.

By about mid-morning Sunday I was irate! I had been sitting in that room- collecting dust it seemed. I hadn't seen a doctor yet; I hadn't heard the results of my ultrasound; other than what a nurse told me. She said that my results show a sac about 5mm in length- which indicates that I am about 5 weeks pregnant; and that there is an embryo 1/10" in size that resembles a kidney bean!

Around noon I was so sick of being there and nothing really being done I started demanding. Demanding that a doctor see me or I was going home. Low and behold, not one doctor was aware that I was even there. Finally- about 2:00 p.m. I met my doctor. He apologized up and down for the miscommunications of the hospital staff- for my existence slipping through the cracks, told me that my insulin was way under-dosed the whole time I was there, started me on a new regime and sent me on my way.

So now- with a healthy diet and insulin- I should have a healthy pregnancy.

I will be going to a ton of doctors' appointments in the several months to come, and several ultrasounds, including a 3-D- which I will be grateful to get. It will be a long, hard road- I can't wait for the results; our baby!

Going to the hospital

Current mood: hopeful

for a 24 hour observation to make sure everything is going good with the pregnancy and to get my diabetes under control.

I can't believe this is really happening

Current mood: tired

Today was an exhausting day to say the least. When I went to the doctor on Monday they told me that my hCG level was 412 and that with a normal pregnancy it should double every two days. So they told me to come in every two days to draw more blood to ensure that it does double. I went back in today around 11:30 am for the draw… the waiting began…

In the meantime I had my first doctor appointment with an obstetrician. I didn't know what to expect at this doctor appointment, but a few people told me that it would be an appointment that Doug shouldn't miss. So Doug left work early to go with me.

We got to the appointment only to be bombarded with a ton of questions, which I knew would happen, and I didn't mind. What I did mind, however, was the sensation they were making me feel; that I was not at the right place. Indeed, after talking with the nurse and doctor and getting a pelvic exam (which appeared good) - they referred me to a Perinatologist; a doctor that would be better suited for my high risk pregnancy.

After I left the doctor appointment I quickly phoned the numbers to the Perinatologist that they referred me to call. After being transferred from person to person I was finally able to talk to one that was very helpful; Carrie. At first they said that they do not have an appointment any sooner than nearly three weeks from now. I can't wait that long! So their advise was to, sometime between now and then, have my doctor write a referral for me to be admitted to the hospital for 24 hour observation to get my diabetes (sugar) under control, because right now is the most crucial part of the pregnancy. That stay in the hospital is the way I would go about getting a consultation sooner than the appointment three weeks from now. They might get me on an insulin pump, which I surely wouldn't mind. Then I would not have to worry about taking too much or too little insulin; the machine would do all the work.

Later, I received a call from the fertility specialist where I had my blood drawn earlier and they told me that my hCG level rose from 412 Monday to 752 today. Not quite doubled; but I'm pleased!

So as it stands right now- I have to go back in for blood work Friday to see if my hCG level doubles again. Once it rises to 2000 I will be able to go into my fertility specialist for a transvaginal ultrasound where they will hopefully be able to tell me if the baby is doing well, how far along I am, and possibly hear a heartbeat if I am far enough along.

I have an appointment set up for a regular ultrasound February 23 at 9:30am and a doctor appointment at 10:15am. And sometime between now and then I will do that hospital stay.
Things are looking pretty good so far!

Waiting, impatiently!

Current mood: impatient!

I must be THE MOST impatient person in the world!

I have been waiting since Friday evening to get into the doctors to have a blood test to not only confirm that I am pregnant, but also to see just how far I am along.Well I can go today for the blood test... but have to wait ANOTHER day for the results!!!
I'm going insane! The waiting is horrible!

Update 01/29/07, 7:52 AM:
When I called my family doctor this morning to get in for a blood test I was told that the results wouldn't be in until tomorrow...So...I called my fertility specialist to see if they could get it done faster. Well when I called my fertility specialist no one was there to take my call so I left a message.

I grew impatient and went ahead and went to my family doctor for the test.

Well within a couple of hours of getting my blood drawn at my family doctor, my fertility specialist called to have me come in for a draw. I told them that I already had it done elsewhere. But then I thought they still might be able to help me. So I asked if I were to come in today, when would they get the results in; they said today!!! So off I went! I bundled up the kids and headed to the fertility clinic. We got there in record time, got the blood drawn and she says, "ok, have a good day." I thought to myself 'what the heck!?'
She says to go home and they will call me in a couple hours. Good thing she wasn't looking at me when she said that, because I am sure that I had a pretty perturbed look on my face.

Sitting here with the phone by my side… the wait continues!

Update: 01/29/2007, 9:34 AM:
Well!
I just found out...It's confirmed... I'm 'very' pregnant!!!!!

Blood Test

Current mood: VERY anxious!

Well I just got home from the doctors. I had my blood test done. Results will be in around 1:30 p.m. tomorrow.I will post the results when I get them.

Finding Out

Current mood: ecstatic

Tonight had to be the most exciting, yet scary night of my life!

I thought I was a week or two late so I had Doug bring a pregnancy test home on his way home from work. There were three in the kit and I did the first one right away, before dinner. Throughout dinner I kept checking it over and over and it wouldn't read anything. Then finally the last time I checked it – it read "See Leaflet". I realized that I had not done the test right. So the wait began…

About an hour later I preformed another test, only to have that one fail too. I was miserable, the wait was excruciating!

So about 7:30 p.m. I tested once more. I put it down and walked away. I wasn't eager this time because I feared disappointment once more. About three minutes later I went in to check the stick and see what the results were.

I looked at the stick a couple times, refreshing my eyes to make sure I was actually seeing what I was seeing. I was in utter shock. It felt as though the whole world slowed down as I leaned over to pick up the stick. I carried it ever so gently out to the living room where Doug and Christina were sitting, cuddling. I could hardly speak, I felt so numb; when all of a sudden I burst out crying hysterically as I handed the stick to Doug. He propped up his glasses and brought the stick closer to his eyes and read the results for himself.

"Oh my God, oh my God" must have been the only thing I said over and over until the shock wore off. I was happy, happier than I have ever been. I was scared, more scared then I've ever been. I had never imagined how I would react when I were to find out, but I never thought scared would be a word to describe how I was feeling.

All kinds of thoughts were already racing through my mind; then the thought of the first person, after Doug of course, that I want to tell. Well she is not with us anymore, and that is what threw my emotions into a whirlwind. Doug and I hugged each other while I continued to sob. Shortly thereafter I composed myself because I knew what I was doing wasn't doing any good, and I was probably scaring Christina.

I stood up, dried my eyes, grabbed the stick back from Doug and ran into the office to take a picture of it before the word "PREGNANT" disappeared for good. I wanted that word to be forever viewable and the only way for that to be was to capture it on camera.

James' 4th Birthday at Caesarland!

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Current mood: funloving

We celebrated James' 4th birthday at Caesarland.



My (sister) Christina, (sister) Becky, (sister) Makayla, (mom) Katie, (dad) Jimmy, (dad's girlfriend) Brittany, (uncle) Doug, (aunt) Mary, (aunt) Colleen, (uncle) Josh, (cousin) Amber, (cousin) Kaleena, (cousin) Gage, and (cousin) Emily were all there to share in the fun!








I got a lot of gifts including some cars, trucks and a toolbench from daddy and Brittany, a guitar, drums, microphone, walkie talkies and clothes from Aunt Mary and Uncle Doug.



Aunt Mary made delicious confetti cupcakes, I made a wish that I hope comes true!



We got to eat pizza, drink pop and eat ice cream!

I really loved playing in the tubes, ride in the cars, play games and getting prizes with the tickets! I had so much fun today!!!

Aunt Mary Playing with the Kids

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After the kids got back from visiting with their mom and we played in James and Makayla's room.

Group hug!!

Aunt Mary, Christina, James, Becky and Makayla

"Hello Operator!"

Lil Miss Innocent

Thank You

Current mood: sad

Perhaps you sent a lovely card,
or sat quietly in a chair.
Perhaps you sent beautiful flowers,
if so, we saw them there.
Perhaps you sent or spoke kind words
as any friend could say.
Perhaps you were not there at all;
just thought of us that day.
Whatever you did to console our hearts;
we thank you so much.
May God Bless you.

The family of the late Marilyn Kay Lunsford Ballor
June 4, 1946 – November 13, 2006

The Dash

Current mood: sad

The Dash

I read of a man who stood to speak, at the funeral of a friend. He referred to the dates on this tombstone from beginning ….to the end.

He noted that the first came his date of birth and spoke the following with tears. But he said what mattered most of all, was the dash in between those years.

For the dash represents, all the time he spent alive on earth. And how only those who loved him know what that little line is worth.

For it matters not, how much we own; the cars, the house, the cash, what matters most is how we live and love and how we spend our dash…

So think about this long and hard. Are there things you'd like to change?

For you never know how much time is left, that can still be rearranged. If we could just slow down enough, to consider what is true and real. And always try to understand, the way other people feel.

And be less quick to anger, and show appreciation more, and love the people in our lives like we've never loved before. If we treat each other with respect, and more often wear a smile… remembering that this special dash might only last a little while. So, when your eulogy is being read, with your life's actions to rehash would you be proud of the things they say and how your spent your dash?

Marilyn Kay Lunsford-Ballor- RIP

Current mood: beyond devistated!

She is Gone

You can shed tears that she is gone
Or you can smile because she has lived.
You can close your eyes and pray that she will come back
Or you can open your eyes and see all that she has left.

Your heart can be empty because you can't see her
Or you can be full of the love that you shared.
You can turn your back on tomorrow and live yesterday
Or you can be happy for tomorrow because of yesterday.

You can remember her and only that she is gone
Or you can cherish her memory and let it live on.
You can cry and close your mind, be empty and turn your back,
Or you can do what she would want:
smile, open your eyes,
love and go on.

Rest in Peace
Marilyn Kay Lunsford- Ballor
June 4, 1946 - November 13, 2006

A loving mother, grandmother, great- grandmother, sister, friend
and neighbor suddenly went to Heaven to rejoin her soul mate, Robert
Gordon Ballor, on November 13, 2006, at the age of 60.
She was born in 1946, in Lansing, Michigan.
Marilyn was also preceded in death by her parents and a sister.
She is survived by her sons, Joseph of Pennsylvania and James (Erin)
of Potterville; daughter, Maryellen (Douglas) Elliott of Warren; 6 grandchildren;
1 great- grandchild; sisters, Patricia Dickerson of Haslett and Debra (Stephen)
Isner of Livonia; some very special close friends and neighbors; and her
faithful companion, Dusty.
Graveside services will be held Thursday, November 16, at 2 p.m. in Deepdale
Memorial Gardens Mausoleum, Lansing.
The family is being served by Gorsline- Runciman Funeral Homes, Lansing.

Would You?

Current mood: contemplative

Would you??

An Afternoon at Kensington Metropark

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We took the kids to Kensington Metropark this afternoon. We spent time walking the nature trails, learning about animals at the farm center and having a snack of crackers & juice.
The weather was gorgeous. We had such a wonderful time today!


Christina looking oh-so-adorable!!

Gosh! James sure is handsome!!

Awe Makayla! So precious!


Becky picked pretty flowers!

James & Christina on the nature trail

Sibling love!

MMM! Crackers

Christina & James having a snack

Peek-a-Boo! I see you Becky Boo!

Silly Uncle Doug

Tired Aunt Mary

Thank you

Current mood: appreciative

Sorry this has taken me nearly a month to sit down and write... but as many of you know I am now a FULL time stay at home foster mother to four amazing children.At first I thought I was just going to die! It was so hard, so miserable... I can't imagine how they were feeling if I was feeling the way I was.

Slowly, over the last four weeks- things are finally starting to come together... thus the reason I found a few spare moments to write you all and THANK YOU ALL for your support, donations, thoughts and prayers... I don't know where we'd be without all of you.Well... I don't mean to cut this short but I have a few cranky children in desperate need of naps :P
Talk to you soon!
Love, Mary