Wednesday, March 10, 2004
Monday, February 9, 2004
Dreams don’t come true… at least not for me…
I just had a very vivid, very emotional dream. This dream was unlike any other that I had ever had. For the past couple years I have been unable to remember my dreams. For the last couple months, I remember more and more about what I dream. For as long as I could remember I hadn’t been able to dream about specific events in my life or the people in my life either. The dreams I had- the faces were non-existent. The names were unrecognizable. I would never dream of people I knew. Or for that matter: foresee something that was about to happen to me in real life. I just awoke from a few hour nap during late afternoon-early evening. I awoke feeling refreshed. I started right in on writing my memoirs when the most powerful emotions started to overcome my being. I sat there remembering details; they were coming to mind in bits and pieces. I soon had all the pieces to the puzzle and began to fit the pieces together.
I remembered him wiping the tears away from my eyes. I remembered him holding my shoulders, as he looked deep into my eyes- telling me everything was going to be okay. I remembered his lips as they so softly touched mine for the first time in a long time. I was so tense, so filled with raging emotions all I could do was to barely pucker. I was in shock. Trying to figure out what his intentions were and why he was doing what he was doing. Why is he taking me back? I kept asking myself. What does he want from me? What does he expect from me? What am I doing? Am I doing the right thing?
All these thoughts and questions raced through my mind for what seemed to be an eternity. I tossed and turned hoping for the thoughts to stop, but for if the dream to end, that I will awaken for the presence of him to be real in real life. I wanted so badly to grasp hold of him and pull him out with me. I wanted the insecure feelings to end. But more importantly I wanted to hold onto him for the rest of my life.
When I awoke, needless to say I was disappointed. I rolled over with the thought that I still had very vibrant in my minds eye that he was lying there next to me. I rolled over to utter loneliness. I thought for certain, for as real as the dream appeared to be, that he would be holding me close when I awoke.
I got up, and the pieces started coming. I sat at my desk and the thoughts just wouldn’t stop pouring in. They consumed my mind to the point that I couldn’t concentrate. I knew I had to do something, I just wasn’t sure yet what it was that I had to do. As the time went by I thought what do I have to lose. It’s been over a couple years since I’ve held this man. Quite a while since I’ve spoken with him and what seems to be an eternity since I’ve seen him. If it wasn’t for the brief coincidental meeting at a convenience store several months ago, I’m not sure if I would remember what he looks like. I have very fond memories of what I do remember. I remember the two moles on his tummy that look like they have been pressed together- they are identical. I remember the scars on his side from when he had a surgery several years before we even met. I remember the look in his eyes when he so truthfully and sincerely told me he loved me time and time again. I remember the pride he felt when he handed me a bouquet of flowers every now and then, sometimes for no reason at all. I remembered all the times we shared. The years spent with him were the most impressionable years of my life. As when we met I was mentally a mere child. Physically 19 years old. I hadn’t a clue. I had never been in love for one. And the love that was brought about was not only confusing for me, but for him as well. As I was his first love too. I was the first person he was intimate with. That not only intimidated me, but scared me. How was I to be the fortunate one to take away what he has held onto so dear for the past 27 years? What gave me that right? How did I get so lucky? That’s a question we always asked one another. How did I get so lucky to find you of all people, amongst all the people in this world of ours?
Now, the time has come for us to part ways. We knew that we were doing the right thing- as our relationship wasn’t meant to be. I was much too young to hold onto something that wasn’t right- for one reason, or the many others. I knew we had to do it- it was only a matter of time that we fell out of love.
We tried for several months after parting ways to mend our relationship. We tried to get back that loving feeling we once had; the one that we held onto far after the first few months that most relationships have. We were as deeply in love over a year into our relationship as we were the night we professed our love for one another.
After thinking for a bit I knew that I wanted nothing more than to get back that feeling if it still existed. I, without thinking twice, picked up the phone. One would think that my hands would be shaking as I dialed the number. One would think that my voice would be shaky as ‘she’ answered and I had no other choice but to ask for him. She so kindly said, “sure, hold on a second” as she handed the phone over to him. As he latched a hold of the phone and said “hello”- I so confidently and inquisitively said “Steve”?” there was a very brief pause as I had recalled his voice as if I heard it whispering in my ear minutes earlier in my dream. He knew my voice as well; he knew who was on the other end of the line. But I had no other thoughts in mind as I didn’t script what I was going to say if he answered the phone. I merely said- “this is Mary”. Without a moments thought on his behalf, I heard the phone signal die, just like, just like our relationship had. Now- I just wish these dreams would come to an end. For now, now I have my closure.
I remembered him wiping the tears away from my eyes. I remembered him holding my shoulders, as he looked deep into my eyes- telling me everything was going to be okay. I remembered his lips as they so softly touched mine for the first time in a long time. I was so tense, so filled with raging emotions all I could do was to barely pucker. I was in shock. Trying to figure out what his intentions were and why he was doing what he was doing. Why is he taking me back? I kept asking myself. What does he want from me? What does he expect from me? What am I doing? Am I doing the right thing?
All these thoughts and questions raced through my mind for what seemed to be an eternity. I tossed and turned hoping for the thoughts to stop, but for if the dream to end, that I will awaken for the presence of him to be real in real life. I wanted so badly to grasp hold of him and pull him out with me. I wanted the insecure feelings to end. But more importantly I wanted to hold onto him for the rest of my life.
When I awoke, needless to say I was disappointed. I rolled over with the thought that I still had very vibrant in my minds eye that he was lying there next to me. I rolled over to utter loneliness. I thought for certain, for as real as the dream appeared to be, that he would be holding me close when I awoke.
I got up, and the pieces started coming. I sat at my desk and the thoughts just wouldn’t stop pouring in. They consumed my mind to the point that I couldn’t concentrate. I knew I had to do something, I just wasn’t sure yet what it was that I had to do. As the time went by I thought what do I have to lose. It’s been over a couple years since I’ve held this man. Quite a while since I’ve spoken with him and what seems to be an eternity since I’ve seen him. If it wasn’t for the brief coincidental meeting at a convenience store several months ago, I’m not sure if I would remember what he looks like. I have very fond memories of what I do remember. I remember the two moles on his tummy that look like they have been pressed together- they are identical. I remember the scars on his side from when he had a surgery several years before we even met. I remember the look in his eyes when he so truthfully and sincerely told me he loved me time and time again. I remember the pride he felt when he handed me a bouquet of flowers every now and then, sometimes for no reason at all. I remembered all the times we shared. The years spent with him were the most impressionable years of my life. As when we met I was mentally a mere child. Physically 19 years old. I hadn’t a clue. I had never been in love for one. And the love that was brought about was not only confusing for me, but for him as well. As I was his first love too. I was the first person he was intimate with. That not only intimidated me, but scared me. How was I to be the fortunate one to take away what he has held onto so dear for the past 27 years? What gave me that right? How did I get so lucky? That’s a question we always asked one another. How did I get so lucky to find you of all people, amongst all the people in this world of ours?
Now, the time has come for us to part ways. We knew that we were doing the right thing- as our relationship wasn’t meant to be. I was much too young to hold onto something that wasn’t right- for one reason, or the many others. I knew we had to do it- it was only a matter of time that we fell out of love.
We tried for several months after parting ways to mend our relationship. We tried to get back that loving feeling we once had; the one that we held onto far after the first few months that most relationships have. We were as deeply in love over a year into our relationship as we were the night we professed our love for one another.
After thinking for a bit I knew that I wanted nothing more than to get back that feeling if it still existed. I, without thinking twice, picked up the phone. One would think that my hands would be shaking as I dialed the number. One would think that my voice would be shaky as ‘she’ answered and I had no other choice but to ask for him. She so kindly said, “sure, hold on a second” as she handed the phone over to him. As he latched a hold of the phone and said “hello”- I so confidently and inquisitively said “Steve”?” there was a very brief pause as I had recalled his voice as if I heard it whispering in my ear minutes earlier in my dream. He knew my voice as well; he knew who was on the other end of the line. But I had no other thoughts in mind as I didn’t script what I was going to say if he answered the phone. I merely said- “this is Mary”. Without a moments thought on his behalf, I heard the phone signal die, just like, just like our relationship had. Now- I just wish these dreams would come to an end. For now, now I have my closure.
Thursday, December 25, 2003
Tuesday, December 23, 2003
Monday, December 8, 2003
PS
PS
The scent is intoxicating
It fills my thoughts with excitement
My body with desire
My soul with ecstasy
It’s a very masculine scent
It brings out the hunger inside me
Made of a blend of lavender, sage and jasmine,
And rose and amber and musk…
PS
As I lie in bed at night
I smell this engaging aroma
As it lingers upon on my pillows
Thoughts of the rendezvous
Running through my head
Thinking of the times we shared
So tender and so fond
The scent is intoxicating
It fills my thoughts with excitement
My body with desire
My soul with ecstasy
It’s a very masculine scent
It brings out the hunger inside me
Made of a blend of lavender, sage and jasmine,
And rose and amber and musk…
PS
As I lie in bed at night
I smell this engaging aroma
As it lingers upon on my pillows
Thoughts of the rendezvous
Running through my head
Thinking of the times we shared
So tender and so fond
Friday, December 5, 2003
Sunday, November 23, 2003
Monday, November 17, 2003
Monday, November 3, 2003
Tuesday, October 21, 2003
Tuesday, October 14, 2003
Friday, October 3, 2003
Michael
Michael
I’m just stumped then, if he love(s)/love (d)/cared.... for me at all, why he would give up on me so easily.
One night I wish that I could take back is the night we professed our love for one another.
Not that I would really ever want to give up that moment, heck, five minutes of feeling the real thing (love) is better than to have never felt it at all. However, I would of much rather that I never knew that/if he loved me, rather than him pretending he did for whatever reason.
I wish that I would have secluded my feelings more.
We were lying in bed on September 2 and he took a hold of my hand and caressed it, he looked into my eyes, so deep, so entrance, I could literally see my soul in his eyes and his soul in his eyes as well.
(I had been saying so much lately: "I Like you Michael, I like you so much. Kind of like when people in love blurt it out when they feel it, instead of saying love, cause I wasn’t sure (until that point) that it really was love that I felt in my heart for Michael. So I would just keep blurting out, “I like you Michael...”)
As we looked into one another’s eyes that night he said "Mary… you can say you like me all you want but I know you love me."
My body stopped moving, like all my senses stopped working for a moment in time, I was literally SPEECHLESS for the first time in my life.
(Mind you I had never been in love before.)
I was scared more than anything, scared I guess because I was scared of letting my true feelings be known, scared of ultimately getting hurt.
So after a few more moments of pure silence and just staring so in love at one another…
He was still caressing my hand and looking deep into my eyes when he said: "I can't believe this...
I said "what?"
He said" I can't believe that I am falling in love with the whole package."
I was, again… all of the above…
Speechless, breathless... Couldn’t move nor speak.
I couldn’t do anything but peer at our souls in his eyes.
Shortly after that was the first time we made love, mind you not the first time we had sex, but the first time we made, pure, passionate, intimate, love, so close.
At one point he even said: "Mary…"
I said "yes?"
He said, "This is so wonderful."
I must have seemed puzzled wondering what exactly he meant by that...
He said, "This is as close as two people can get, I feel soooooo wonderful"
When we commenced our “I love you’s”....
I didn’t want to be the first one to say it (referring to my way of thinking I mentioned earlier, about not liking someone more than they like me, I need to know that they like me as much as I like them kind of thing.)
But...
I let all inhibitions go momentarily. Well actually the entire time I was with Michael, all of our relationship, especially from that point on..
I looked into his eyes and then tipped my head back and shouted out "I love you!, I love you!!!!!, I love you!!!!!!!!!!!"
I then looked back into his eyes and he into mine...
He then said, so sincerely, "I love YOU Mary!!!!"
And that’s when tears started coming like… rain. I was crying like a baby. I lost full control of myself and threw all my heart, mind, body and soul out for Michael…hoping only, that he would grasp onto it all for dear life and never let it go: me go.
I found out later, the next day, when we were on the way to taking me home, we got to talking about when the last time we cried...
(He obviously knew mine.)
He was speechless for a few moments.
And then said "you mean cried, or really cried?"
My response was, "either…"
He then said "last night when we were making love."
I had no idea I was getting that response when I asked that simple question that night. I had no idea that he had cried, but I guess he had. I guess I never thought I could ever have that kind of impact on a man…
I’m just stumped then, if he love(s)/love (d)/cared.... for me at all, why he would give up on me so easily.
One night I wish that I could take back is the night we professed our love for one another.
Not that I would really ever want to give up that moment, heck, five minutes of feeling the real thing (love) is better than to have never felt it at all. However, I would of much rather that I never knew that/if he loved me, rather than him pretending he did for whatever reason.
I wish that I would have secluded my feelings more.
We were lying in bed on September 2 and he took a hold of my hand and caressed it, he looked into my eyes, so deep, so entrance, I could literally see my soul in his eyes and his soul in his eyes as well.
(I had been saying so much lately: "I Like you Michael, I like you so much. Kind of like when people in love blurt it out when they feel it, instead of saying love, cause I wasn’t sure (until that point) that it really was love that I felt in my heart for Michael. So I would just keep blurting out, “I like you Michael...”)
As we looked into one another’s eyes that night he said "Mary… you can say you like me all you want but I know you love me."
My body stopped moving, like all my senses stopped working for a moment in time, I was literally SPEECHLESS for the first time in my life.
(Mind you I had never been in love before.)
I was scared more than anything, scared I guess because I was scared of letting my true feelings be known, scared of ultimately getting hurt.
So after a few more moments of pure silence and just staring so in love at one another…
He was still caressing my hand and looking deep into my eyes when he said: "I can't believe this...
I said "what?"
He said" I can't believe that I am falling in love with the whole package."
I was, again… all of the above…
Speechless, breathless... Couldn’t move nor speak.
I couldn’t do anything but peer at our souls in his eyes.
Shortly after that was the first time we made love, mind you not the first time we had sex, but the first time we made, pure, passionate, intimate, love, so close.
At one point he even said: "Mary…"
I said "yes?"
He said, "This is so wonderful."
I must have seemed puzzled wondering what exactly he meant by that...
He said, "This is as close as two people can get, I feel soooooo wonderful"
When we commenced our “I love you’s”....
I didn’t want to be the first one to say it (referring to my way of thinking I mentioned earlier, about not liking someone more than they like me, I need to know that they like me as much as I like them kind of thing.)
But...
I let all inhibitions go momentarily. Well actually the entire time I was with Michael, all of our relationship, especially from that point on..
I looked into his eyes and then tipped my head back and shouted out "I love you!, I love you!!!!!, I love you!!!!!!!!!!!"
I then looked back into his eyes and he into mine...
He then said, so sincerely, "I love YOU Mary!!!!"
And that’s when tears started coming like… rain. I was crying like a baby. I lost full control of myself and threw all my heart, mind, body and soul out for Michael…hoping only, that he would grasp onto it all for dear life and never let it go: me go.
I found out later, the next day, when we were on the way to taking me home, we got to talking about when the last time we cried...
(He obviously knew mine.)
He was speechless for a few moments.
And then said "you mean cried, or really cried?"
My response was, "either…"
He then said "last night when we were making love."
I had no idea I was getting that response when I asked that simple question that night. I had no idea that he had cried, but I guess he had. I guess I never thought I could ever have that kind of impact on a man…
Friday, September 26, 2003
Wednesday, September 17, 2003
Thursday, September 11, 2003
I Just Wanted to Tell You
I Just Wanted to Tell You
I just wanted tell you how much I love you. I hope and pray that God grants us to be able to spend the rest of our lives with one another.
I have never felt this way or loved anyone as I do you. I promise my undying love for you. I cannot wait until the nights that you hold me close and the mornings that I wake in your arms.
I love you from the bottom of my heart and it will always be that way.
I cannot wait to look back and see all the wonderful memories we will make.
Until the day that we become one I anticipate being with you every possible moment that I can.
I want you to know that you have my heart now and no one else will for as long as I live
No one will ever love you as much as I do. This is how I truly feel deep down inside.
You are my best friend and the one I want to spend the rest of my life with.
Forever and always,
Mary
I just wanted tell you how much I love you. I hope and pray that God grants us to be able to spend the rest of our lives with one another.
I have never felt this way or loved anyone as I do you. I promise my undying love for you. I cannot wait until the nights that you hold me close and the mornings that I wake in your arms.
I love you from the bottom of my heart and it will always be that way.
I cannot wait to look back and see all the wonderful memories we will make.
Until the day that we become one I anticipate being with you every possible moment that I can.
I want you to know that you have my heart now and no one else will for as long as I live
No one will ever love you as much as I do. This is how I truly feel deep down inside.
You are my best friend and the one I want to spend the rest of my life with.
Forever and always,
Mary
Saturday, August 23, 2003
Monday, June 16, 2003
A Little About Me
I like goatees, but I also love the feel of clean shaven, baby butt smoothness against my
face.
I prefer brownies to cake, cookies, or any other sweet food, junk food for that matter.
I like warm, fuzzy pajamas in the winter and silky nighties in the summer.
I like my eggs prepared over-medium.
I melt for ‘making out’.
‘Inside jokes’ are great!
I love hair, but then again bald men do something for me too.
Great sex, need I say more?
Prefer the beach to a pool, any day.
If you could have any super-human ability what would it be- me- to fly, of course!
Country- two words- Conway Twitty
A few Christmas stocking traditions- smoked oysters, Slim Jims, Lifesaver Storybooks, Pez…the list goes on and on.
I love the sun, moon and stars- ask to see my tattoo.
I don’t do drugs and do not associate with anyone that does.
I have no regrets; I look at it very plain and simple: everything you do, you do it for a reason. It is up to you to find out the answer- why?
You are where you need to be when you need to be there.
I love meeting new people; each person brings something new into your life.
People come into out lives for a reason, a season, or a lifetime.
Politics and religion are two topics of conversation that I try to stay away from, these things should not be debated about, everyone can have their own opinion, I agree.
Tenacious.
Diverse.
Time travel- now that would be fun!
Retirement; will that even be a possibility in my later years?
Education: constant.
My father died when I was ten.
Been there, done that- Michigan, Ohio, Illinois, Indiana, Canada, California.
Haven’t been there, haven’t done that- Hockey game,
No strange body piercing here.
face.
I prefer brownies to cake, cookies, or any other sweet food, junk food for that matter.
I like warm, fuzzy pajamas in the winter and silky nighties in the summer.
I like my eggs prepared over-medium.
I melt for ‘making out’.
‘Inside jokes’ are great!
I love hair, but then again bald men do something for me too.
Great sex, need I say more?
Prefer the beach to a pool, any day.
If you could have any super-human ability what would it be- me- to fly, of course!
Country- two words- Conway Twitty
A few Christmas stocking traditions- smoked oysters, Slim Jims, Lifesaver Storybooks, Pez…the list goes on and on.
I love the sun, moon and stars- ask to see my tattoo.
I don’t do drugs and do not associate with anyone that does.
I have no regrets; I look at it very plain and simple: everything you do, you do it for a reason. It is up to you to find out the answer- why?
You are where you need to be when you need to be there.
I love meeting new people; each person brings something new into your life.
People come into out lives for a reason, a season, or a lifetime.
Politics and religion are two topics of conversation that I try to stay away from, these things should not be debated about, everyone can have their own opinion, I agree.
Tenacious.
Diverse.
Time travel- now that would be fun!
Retirement; will that even be a possibility in my later years?
Education: constant.
My father died when I was ten.
Been there, done that- Michigan, Ohio, Illinois, Indiana, Canada, California.
Haven’t been there, haven’t done that- Hockey game,
No strange body piercing here.
Tuesday, March 4, 2003
Wednesday, January 22, 2003
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