Mary

Easter 2004

Notes

Current mood: introspective

Natalie Imbruglia- Come September

Movie- Parallel Lives

Movie- American Graffiti

Rolling Stones- Wild Horses

Solidify

The Red Shoe Diaries

Norah Jones- Live in New Orleans (2002)

Keeper of the Stars

I'm not made that way

Today My World Slipped Away

Margaritaville

Drift Away

American Pie

Enigma

Celtic Harp

Can you handle the truth?

Sheryl Crow and Dixie Chix- When you were mine

The first cut is the deepest

Where the dirt road ends, pavement begins

George Strait- I miss my Mary

Spongeworthy

Vanity sizing

Men hunt, women nest

Fisher

The best things happen when you expect the least

Nothing more than a first date

Wants, needs, desires

Easy on the eyes

Emotional girl

Sopisticated lady

I'm a mutt, don't nobody want me

Never go to bed mad

Hurry up and wait

Saving face

Four staples of marriage:

Money

Kids

Religion

In-laws

The real trouble is far from over

Get the anger out, give it a voice

You are never going to get it right if you don't get real

Mindy Smith

Diana Krall

Charlotte Martin

Natalie Merchant

Shawn Colvin

Deborah Cox

Indigo Girls

Lisa Loeb

The Pretenders

Good Charlotte

Sinead O'Connor

Kate Bush

Mazzy Star

Billy Holiday

Roberta Flack

Fugees

Otis Redding

WC Handy

Uncle Cracker

Dobie Gray

Momma said there would be days like this

The face is the image of the soul

Growing old is mandatory, growing up is not

I don't need a role, I need a purpose

Nothing more, nothing less. What does that mean? It means that we are nothing more than what we are, we are nothing less, we are just somewhere in the middle

Square one

universal human expression of love

You cannot end a sentence with 'and'

Serendipity

Ain't too proud to blog

Imaginary mind

A new day, a new beginning a new start

Dream, desire, live, inspire, belive, laugh, love,

Temper is the one thing that you cannot get rid of by losing it

Gulit is like a bag of bricks, just set it down and walk away

Read all about it

Forgiveness is not easy but it has to be done

When I say that I forgive you is that me telling you that what you did was okay?

You cannot change what you don't acknowledge

It will be relevant when it's relevant

Make peace with the past, (and the present and the future for that matter)

Get real, get smart, get going

This is not what I signed up for

Marriage hungry?

Relationship autopsy- when your past relationships affect today

The next level

Define your three healthiest and three unhealthiest relationships

You never know what you are missing in your life until it arrives

Competitive

First generation college student

People are fairly trainable, you teach people how to treat you

You did what you knew how to do and when you knew better you did better

Do you have any identity for yourself?

Intimacy is not about sex

I don't know how I would exsist without you

What happened was like a psychological skin burn

I'm going to take that power back

Minimal effective response

What is the least that I can do to get emotional closure?

You owe it to yourself to stand up for yourself

Acknowledge out loud

Forgiving doesn't make it okay

It is about choice, as adults we get to decide

Break the parental legacy

It starts at home

I'm a better woman than that

Stop stressing about the past

Life is like a sponge, you have to squeeze to get every last drop out

I want a harmonious life

Choose the way that you act

Life has never been this real

Happy ending? No, happy beginning

Wants to stop hiding her true self

In a good relationship, can't shut up

What does it mean to have a new life

I haven't been proactive

Three rules to remember when expressing anger:
-Use "I feel" statements, leave "you" out
-No name calling
-Discuss one fight at a time

Three rules to remember when someone is angry with you:
-Breathe, listen, validate

Click into your passion

For the first time I'm seeing my future

I just want you to love me

I felt like I was heard

I feel rejuvinated

I want to thank you for giving me the best days of my life

Is it changeworthy behavior?

The resolution process

Completely disconnected

Hobby rather than obsession, balance

Something is just not right

Feel heard, feel understood

Scared to fail

What I want is only a decision away

Be on the same page

There is a void in there

Goals

Current mood: motivated

Redirect priorities

Exercise (lose 70 pounds)

Make time to eat right

Start applying for State jobs

Focus on school, keep up

Lose 40 pounds by 12/31/04 (realistic), size 18

Make myself less available

Make myself appear mysterious

Allow others to earn my trust

Be cautious

Learm, learn, learn!

At least one act of random kindness daily

Eliminate drama

Contribute to society

Watch time spent not being productive

Smile!

Mary

Dreams don’t come true… at least not for me…

I just had a very vivid, very emotional dream. This dream was unlike any other that I had ever had. For the past couple years I have been unable to remember my dreams. For the last couple months, I remember more and more about what I dream. For as long as I could remember I hadn’t been able to dream about specific events in my life or the people in my life either. The dreams I had- the faces were non-existent. The names were unrecognizable. I would never dream of people I knew. Or for that matter: foresee something that was about to happen to me in real life. I just awoke from a few hour nap during late afternoon-early evening. I awoke feeling refreshed. I started right in on writing my memoirs when the most powerful emotions started to overcome my being. I sat there remembering details; they were coming to mind in bits and pieces. I soon had all the pieces to the puzzle and began to fit the pieces together.
I remembered him wiping the tears away from my eyes. I remembered him holding my shoulders, as he looked deep into my eyes- telling me everything was going to be okay. I remembered his lips as they so softly touched mine for the first time in a long time. I was so tense, so filled with raging emotions all I could do was to barely pucker. I was in shock. Trying to figure out what his intentions were and why he was doing what he was doing. Why is he taking me back? I kept asking myself. What does he want from me? What does he expect from me? What am I doing? Am I doing the right thing?
All these thoughts and questions raced through my mind for what seemed to be an eternity. I tossed and turned hoping for the thoughts to stop, but for if the dream to end, that I will awaken for the presence of him to be real in real life. I wanted so badly to grasp hold of him and pull him out with me. I wanted the insecure feelings to end. But more importantly I wanted to hold onto him for the rest of my life.
When I awoke, needless to say I was disappointed. I rolled over with the thought that I still had very vibrant in my minds eye that he was lying there next to me. I rolled over to utter loneliness. I thought for certain, for as real as the dream appeared to be, that he would be holding me close when I awoke.
I got up, and the pieces started coming. I sat at my desk and the thoughts just wouldn’t stop pouring in. They consumed my mind to the point that I couldn’t concentrate. I knew I had to do something, I just wasn’t sure yet what it was that I had to do. As the time went by I thought what do I have to lose. It’s been over a couple years since I’ve held this man. Quite a while since I’ve spoken with him and what seems to be an eternity since I’ve seen him. If it wasn’t for the brief coincidental meeting at a convenience store several months ago, I’m not sure if I would remember what he looks like. I have very fond memories of what I do remember. I remember the two moles on his tummy that look like they have been pressed together- they are identical. I remember the scars on his side from when he had a surgery several years before we even met. I remember the look in his eyes when he so truthfully and sincerely told me he loved me time and time again. I remember the pride he felt when he handed me a bouquet of flowers every now and then, sometimes for no reason at all. I remembered all the times we shared. The years spent with him were the most impressionable years of my life. As when we met I was mentally a mere child. Physically 19 years old. I hadn’t a clue. I had never been in love for one. And the love that was brought about was not only confusing for me, but for him as well. As I was his first love too. I was the first person he was intimate with. That not only intimidated me, but scared me. How was I to be the fortunate one to take away what he has held onto so dear for the past 27 years? What gave me that right? How did I get so lucky? That’s a question we always asked one another. How did I get so lucky to find you of all people, amongst all the people in this world of ours?
Now, the time has come for us to part ways. We knew that we were doing the right thing- as our relationship wasn’t meant to be. I was much too young to hold onto something that wasn’t right- for one reason, or the many others. I knew we had to do it- it was only a matter of time that we fell out of love.
We tried for several months after parting ways to mend our relationship. We tried to get back that loving feeling we once had; the one that we held onto far after the first few months that most relationships have. We were as deeply in love over a year into our relationship as we were the night we professed our love for one another.
After thinking for a bit I knew that I wanted nothing more than to get back that feeling if it still existed. I, without thinking twice, picked up the phone. One would think that my hands would be shaking as I dialed the number. One would think that my voice would be shaky as ‘she’ answered and I had no other choice but to ask for him. She so kindly said, “sure, hold on a second” as she handed the phone over to him. As he latched a hold of the phone and said “hello”- I so confidently and inquisitively said “Steve”?” there was a very brief pause as I had recalled his voice as if I heard it whispering in my ear minutes earlier in my dream. He knew my voice as well; he knew who was on the other end of the line. But I had no other thoughts in mind as I didn’t script what I was going to say if he answered the phone. I merely said- “this is Mary”. Without a moments thought on his behalf, I heard the phone signal die, just like, just like our relationship had. Now- I just wish these dreams would come to an end. For now, now I have my closure.

Christmas 2003

Merry Christmas

Current mood: happy



More pictures

Christmas Eve 2003

PS

PS

The scent is intoxicating
It fills my thoughts with excitement
My body with desire
My soul with ecstasy

It’s a very masculine scent
It brings out the hunger inside me
Made of a blend of lavender, sage and jasmine,
And rose and amber and musk…

PS
As I lie in bed at night
I smell this engaging aroma
As it lingers upon on my pillows

Thoughts of the rendezvous
Running through my head
Thinking of the times we shared
So tender and so fond

Doug

Mary

The Day My Life Changed!

Mary & Marc

Doug

Mary

Michael

Michael

I’m just stumped then, if he love(s)/love (d)/cared.... for me at all, why he would give up on me so easily.

One night I wish that I could take back is the night we professed our love for one another.

Not that I would really ever want to give up that moment, heck, five minutes of feeling the real thing (love) is better than to have never felt it at all. However, I would of much rather that I never knew that/if he loved me, rather than him pretending he did for whatever reason.

I wish that I would have secluded my feelings more.

We were lying in bed on September 2 and he took a hold of my hand and caressed it, he looked into my eyes, so deep, so entrance, I could literally see my soul in his eyes and his soul in his eyes as well.

(I had been saying so much lately: "I Like you Michael, I like you so much. Kind of like when people in love blurt it out when they feel it, instead of saying love, cause I wasn’t sure (until that point) that it really was love that I felt in my heart for Michael. So I would just keep blurting out, “I like you Michael...”)

As we looked into one another’s eyes that night he said "Mary… you can say you like me all you want but I know you love me."

My body stopped moving, like all my senses stopped working for a moment in time, I was literally SPEECHLESS for the first time in my life.

(Mind you I had never been in love before.)

I was scared more than anything, scared I guess because I was scared of letting my true feelings be known, scared of ultimately getting hurt.

So after a few more moments of pure silence and just staring so in love at one another…

He was still caressing my hand and looking deep into my eyes when he said: "I can't believe this...

I said "what?"

He said" I can't believe that I am falling in love with the whole package."

I was, again… all of the above…

Speechless, breathless... Couldn’t move nor speak.

I couldn’t do anything but peer at our souls in his eyes.

Shortly after that was the first time we made love, mind you not the first time we had sex, but the first time we made, pure, passionate, intimate, love, so close.

At one point he even said: "Mary…"

I said "yes?"

He said, "This is so wonderful."

I must have seemed puzzled wondering what exactly he meant by that...

He said, "This is as close as two people can get, I feel soooooo wonderful"

When we commenced our “I love you’s”....

I didn’t want to be the first one to say it (referring to my way of thinking I mentioned earlier, about not liking someone more than they like me, I need to know that they like me as much as I like them kind of thing.)

But...

I let all inhibitions go momentarily. Well actually the entire time I was with Michael, all of our relationship, especially from that point on..

I looked into his eyes and then tipped my head back and shouted out "I love you!, I love you!!!!!, I love you!!!!!!!!!!!"

I then looked back into his eyes and he into mine...

He then said, so sincerely, "I love YOU Mary!!!!"

And that’s when tears started coming like… rain. I was crying like a baby. I lost full control of myself and threw all my heart, mind, body and soul out for Michael…hoping only, that he would grasp onto it all for dear life and never let it go: me go.

I found out later, the next day, when we were on the way to taking me home, we got to talking about when the last time we cried...

(He obviously knew mine.)

He was speechless for a few moments.

And then said "you mean cried, or really cried?"

My response was, "either…"

He then said "last night when we were making love."

I had no idea I was getting that response when I asked that simple question that night. I had no idea that he had cried, but I guess he had. I guess I never thought I could ever have that kind of impact on a man…

Mary

Mary

I Just Wanted to Tell You

I Just Wanted to Tell You

I just wanted tell you how much I love you. I hope and pray that God grants us to be able to spend the rest of our lives with one another.
I have never felt this way or loved anyone as I do you. I promise my undying love for you. I cannot wait until the nights that you hold me close and the mornings that I wake in your arms.
I love you from the bottom of my heart and it will always be that way.
I cannot wait to look back and see all the wonderful memories we will make.
Until the day that we become one I anticipate being with you every possible moment that I can.
I want you to know that you have my heart now and no one else will for as long as I live
No one will ever love you as much as I do. This is how I truly feel deep down inside.
You are my best friend and the one I want to spend the rest of my life with.
Forever and always,
Mary