Sunday, May 30, 2004
Saturday, May 29, 2004
Monday, May 17, 2004
Sunday, May 9, 2004
Tuesday, April 27, 2004
The Significance of the Human Smile
The Significance of the Human Smile
Trauma out of the blue, it can affect anyone, at any time. Imagine waking up one day unable to move your face!
The date was Saturday April 27, 2002. I awoke around 12:00 p.m., awaking so late because I had a late night out with friends the night before. When I woke up I did a few chores around the house, noticing that I was fatigued rather easily and also incredibly hungry. Around 1:30 p.m. I threw on some clothes and a hat, and headed out for some lunch.
I went to a diner for lunch, ordering a glass of water and a burger. I sat there and began drinking the water, noticing that I couldn’t drink out of the glass without some of the water dribbling down my face. It felt bizarre, like I couldn’t quite seal my lips around the glass enough. I was starting to get a little aggravated, shortly my food arrived.
I started to eat, observing that I couldn’t fit the burger in my mouth; it felt as though my lip was in the way. It felt like I had just been to the dentist and was injected with a huge amount of Novocain. My entire mouth was numb and it felt like my tongue was too big for my mouth. I struggled through to finish my meal; I seemed to have struggled so much that I was starting to break a sweat just trying to eat! How strange was that? I must have sat there trying to eat for close to an hour. When I got up to leave I felt exhausted.
Arriving at home I just tried to forget about the odd ordeal that I just had merely trying to eat a meal. I went to my office to try to relax. I sat at my computer and some research. Soon enough I had forgotten how hard it was and my mind felt at ease again.
Shortly thereafter I started feeling this immense pain in the back of my neck, as though my neck could hardly hold the weight of my head atop. I chalked all the feelings of frustration, anxiety, pain and fever to the ear, nose and throat infection that I was diagnosed with four days prior.
After some probing around on the computer I was again exhausted and decided to lie down and get some rest that I was sure I needed. I must have fallen asleep for a brief time, but was shortly awoken again by a phone call from a friend. I invited the friend to come over even though I was not in the mood for company.
When my friend arrived I asked him if he noticed anything different about me. His response was a simple, “no.” Obliviously he mustn’t have been paying close enough attention. Although he did mention that I was talking to him as if I had a handful of marbles in my mouth. After my company spent about an hour at my place I politely asked him to leave, because I had grown tired again and wanted to sleep some more. The thoughts in the back of my mind were that I might have Mononucleosis (Mono); a condition that I have heard very little about. However, what I do remember, from a friend that had been diagnosed with it several years back; was that you sleep- a lot.
I lied down once again, this time awaking in pain. I couldn’t seem to find a comfortable position to lay my head in without severe pain, associated with a migraine and pain behind my ears. I stood up and went to the restroom. As I entered the washroom strait ahead was a mirror. In which I caught a quick glimpse of my face. All day I had not even once gazed into the mirror, if I had I would have probably noticed my condition much sooner.
When I looked at myself in the mirror I noticed that my face had a droop to it; it is drooping to one side. When I would smile only one side, my left side, would rise and form a smile. I quickly began poking and prodding at my face as though I could make it work, nothing was happening. More than anything, it is nerve-racking, literally!
I quickly telephoned an urgent care center and explained my condition; no one knew what I should do. The only thing I could think to do is to go into an emergency room.
I hurriedly showered, rather, tried to shower. When I attempted to wash my face and hair I noticed that all the water and soap was running into my right eye. I was terrified, what’s happening to me? I can’t close my eye!
I quickly got into my car and rushed as fast as I could to get to the closest emergency room. By this time it was after 7 o’clock at night. It was a dark, rainy and gloomy night. I could barely see to drive to get myself to the hospital.
When I arrived at the emergency room I tried to the best of my ability to describe the symptoms that I was experiencing to the receptionist. The woman must have thought I was crazy; the things that I said must have sounded so extraordinary.
I was quickly admitted and checked over. The next step was a cat scan of my brain. From what I hear, most people in this condition feel that they might have had a stoke. A stroke was soon ruled out after the results were returned. The next hour or so consisted of a battery of testing. The assessment that I underwent was similar to the sobriety tests that police officers give to accused drunk and drivers along side the road. More than anything I was getting agitated, curious to why they were making me do the experiments that they performed.
After approximately three long hours of testing, waiting, more testing and more waiting; a physician’s assistant came to me with my discharge papers. “Ma’am- you have Bell’s Palsy (BP)”. Tears rolled down my face. I suppose the only word that I caught in her sentence was ‘palsy’. Nearly everyone has heard of Cerebral Palsy, I though I was going to be paralyzed for life!
The physician quickly informed me of the diagnosis as, “nothing to be excessively worried about”. Gave me my discharge papers, prescriptions and sent me on my way. I went to the hospital pharmacy and retrieved my medications, got into my car and ‘tried’ to drive myself home. The doctor had put drops into my eyes and covered one eye, the eye that would close. Now I had to drive with just that one eye. The five minute drive home felt like an hour.
When I arrived home I called my mother to notify her of what had happened. I was in emotional disarray. My mother had all sorts of questions for me; many of which I could not answer, because I didn’t get any of the questioned answered for myself at my trip to the hospital. There began my journey.
That evening was a Saturday. All I was told from the hospital to do for follow-up care was to see an eye doctor and my family physician as soon as possible. And, of course, start my medications. They didn’t inform me how my life was about to change.
The next morning I went to breakfast with my family. The initial hardest thing was trying to simply speak my order to the waitress; next, the inevitable task of eating. I began eating at 9 o’clock in the morning; we didn’t leave the restaurant until after 11:30 a.m. It had taken me over two hours to consume my breakfast. Not to mention, no one told me that I would have to drink my hot coffee with a straw!
For a long time the origin of Bell’s Palsy (BP) was unknown, however scientists believe that BP results from a viral infection that inflames the facial nerve. The condition was termed as an idiopathic facial paralysis. Pathologists use the term ‘idiopathic’ to describe an ailment whose cause is not well understood, and which is treated by addressing the symptoms rather than the underlying problems. The term ‘idiopathic’ also refers to any condition that is personal and distinct. BP is thought to be caused by a viral infection of the facial nerve (7th cranial nerve). However, BP has many other ‘possible’ causes such as trauma, nervous system disease, metabolic, tumors, or toxins. BP is a non-progressive, non-contagious, neurological condition that presents the severe, yet temporary, onset of weakness on one side of the face.
BP is generally preceded by fever, pain behind the ear, stiff neck, weakness, numbness or stiffness of the affected side. When the muscles are paralyzed you cannot smile, you drool slightly, you sometimes bite your cheek when you chew, you cannot close your eye, and quite possibly, you slur of your words.
Possible complications
Probable outcome
Treatment, medications, acupuncture, e-stim,
This rare disorder afflicts about 40,000 Americans each year. Approximately half of all newly diagnosed BP patients recover in a short period of time, the remaining recover within a year. The recurrence rate is between 10-20%.
Trauma out of the blue, it can affect anyone, at any time. Imagine waking up one day unable to move your face!
The date was Saturday April 27, 2002. I awoke around 12:00 p.m., awaking so late because I had a late night out with friends the night before. When I woke up I did a few chores around the house, noticing that I was fatigued rather easily and also incredibly hungry. Around 1:30 p.m. I threw on some clothes and a hat, and headed out for some lunch.
I went to a diner for lunch, ordering a glass of water and a burger. I sat there and began drinking the water, noticing that I couldn’t drink out of the glass without some of the water dribbling down my face. It felt bizarre, like I couldn’t quite seal my lips around the glass enough. I was starting to get a little aggravated, shortly my food arrived.
I started to eat, observing that I couldn’t fit the burger in my mouth; it felt as though my lip was in the way. It felt like I had just been to the dentist and was injected with a huge amount of Novocain. My entire mouth was numb and it felt like my tongue was too big for my mouth. I struggled through to finish my meal; I seemed to have struggled so much that I was starting to break a sweat just trying to eat! How strange was that? I must have sat there trying to eat for close to an hour. When I got up to leave I felt exhausted.
Arriving at home I just tried to forget about the odd ordeal that I just had merely trying to eat a meal. I went to my office to try to relax. I sat at my computer and some research. Soon enough I had forgotten how hard it was and my mind felt at ease again.
Shortly thereafter I started feeling this immense pain in the back of my neck, as though my neck could hardly hold the weight of my head atop. I chalked all the feelings of frustration, anxiety, pain and fever to the ear, nose and throat infection that I was diagnosed with four days prior.
After some probing around on the computer I was again exhausted and decided to lie down and get some rest that I was sure I needed. I must have fallen asleep for a brief time, but was shortly awoken again by a phone call from a friend. I invited the friend to come over even though I was not in the mood for company.
When my friend arrived I asked him if he noticed anything different about me. His response was a simple, “no.” Obliviously he mustn’t have been paying close enough attention. Although he did mention that I was talking to him as if I had a handful of marbles in my mouth. After my company spent about an hour at my place I politely asked him to leave, because I had grown tired again and wanted to sleep some more. The thoughts in the back of my mind were that I might have Mononucleosis (Mono); a condition that I have heard very little about. However, what I do remember, from a friend that had been diagnosed with it several years back; was that you sleep- a lot.
I lied down once again, this time awaking in pain. I couldn’t seem to find a comfortable position to lay my head in without severe pain, associated with a migraine and pain behind my ears. I stood up and went to the restroom. As I entered the washroom strait ahead was a mirror. In which I caught a quick glimpse of my face. All day I had not even once gazed into the mirror, if I had I would have probably noticed my condition much sooner.
When I looked at myself in the mirror I noticed that my face had a droop to it; it is drooping to one side. When I would smile only one side, my left side, would rise and form a smile. I quickly began poking and prodding at my face as though I could make it work, nothing was happening. More than anything, it is nerve-racking, literally!
I quickly telephoned an urgent care center and explained my condition; no one knew what I should do. The only thing I could think to do is to go into an emergency room.
I hurriedly showered, rather, tried to shower. When I attempted to wash my face and hair I noticed that all the water and soap was running into my right eye. I was terrified, what’s happening to me? I can’t close my eye!
I quickly got into my car and rushed as fast as I could to get to the closest emergency room. By this time it was after 7 o’clock at night. It was a dark, rainy and gloomy night. I could barely see to drive to get myself to the hospital.
When I arrived at the emergency room I tried to the best of my ability to describe the symptoms that I was experiencing to the receptionist. The woman must have thought I was crazy; the things that I said must have sounded so extraordinary.
I was quickly admitted and checked over. The next step was a cat scan of my brain. From what I hear, most people in this condition feel that they might have had a stoke. A stroke was soon ruled out after the results were returned. The next hour or so consisted of a battery of testing. The assessment that I underwent was similar to the sobriety tests that police officers give to accused drunk and drivers along side the road. More than anything I was getting agitated, curious to why they were making me do the experiments that they performed.
After approximately three long hours of testing, waiting, more testing and more waiting; a physician’s assistant came to me with my discharge papers. “Ma’am- you have Bell’s Palsy (BP)”. Tears rolled down my face. I suppose the only word that I caught in her sentence was ‘palsy’. Nearly everyone has heard of Cerebral Palsy, I though I was going to be paralyzed for life!
The physician quickly informed me of the diagnosis as, “nothing to be excessively worried about”. Gave me my discharge papers, prescriptions and sent me on my way. I went to the hospital pharmacy and retrieved my medications, got into my car and ‘tried’ to drive myself home. The doctor had put drops into my eyes and covered one eye, the eye that would close. Now I had to drive with just that one eye. The five minute drive home felt like an hour.
When I arrived home I called my mother to notify her of what had happened. I was in emotional disarray. My mother had all sorts of questions for me; many of which I could not answer, because I didn’t get any of the questioned answered for myself at my trip to the hospital. There began my journey.
That evening was a Saturday. All I was told from the hospital to do for follow-up care was to see an eye doctor and my family physician as soon as possible. And, of course, start my medications. They didn’t inform me how my life was about to change.
The next morning I went to breakfast with my family. The initial hardest thing was trying to simply speak my order to the waitress; next, the inevitable task of eating. I began eating at 9 o’clock in the morning; we didn’t leave the restaurant until after 11:30 a.m. It had taken me over two hours to consume my breakfast. Not to mention, no one told me that I would have to drink my hot coffee with a straw!
For a long time the origin of Bell’s Palsy (BP) was unknown, however scientists believe that BP results from a viral infection that inflames the facial nerve. The condition was termed as an idiopathic facial paralysis. Pathologists use the term ‘idiopathic’ to describe an ailment whose cause is not well understood, and which is treated by addressing the symptoms rather than the underlying problems. The term ‘idiopathic’ also refers to any condition that is personal and distinct. BP is thought to be caused by a viral infection of the facial nerve (7th cranial nerve). However, BP has many other ‘possible’ causes such as trauma, nervous system disease, metabolic, tumors, or toxins. BP is a non-progressive, non-contagious, neurological condition that presents the severe, yet temporary, onset of weakness on one side of the face.
BP is generally preceded by fever, pain behind the ear, stiff neck, weakness, numbness or stiffness of the affected side. When the muscles are paralyzed you cannot smile, you drool slightly, you sometimes bite your cheek when you chew, you cannot close your eye, and quite possibly, you slur of your words.
Possible complications
Probable outcome
Treatment, medications, acupuncture, e-stim,
This rare disorder afflicts about 40,000 Americans each year. Approximately half of all newly diagnosed BP patients recover in a short period of time, the remaining recover within a year. The recurrence rate is between 10-20%.
Tuesday, April 13, 2004
Sunday, April 11, 2004
Friday, April 2, 2004
Notes
Current mood: introspective 
Natalie Imbruglia- Come September
Movie- Parallel Lives
Movie- American Graffiti
Rolling Stones- Wild Horses
Solidify
The Red Shoe Diaries
Norah Jones- Live in New Orleans (2002)
Keeper of the Stars
I'm not made that way
Today My World Slipped Away
Margaritaville
Drift Away
American Pie
Enigma
Celtic Harp
Can you handle the truth?
Sheryl Crow and Dixie Chix- When you were mine
The first cut is the deepest
Where the dirt road ends, pavement begins
George Strait- I miss my Mary
Spongeworthy
Vanity sizing
Men hunt, women nest
Fisher
The best things happen when you expect the least
Nothing more than a first date
Wants, needs, desires
Easy on the eyes
Emotional girl
Sopisticated lady
I'm a mutt, don't nobody want me
Never go to bed mad
Hurry up and wait
Saving face
Four staples of marriage:
Money
Kids
Religion
In-laws
The real trouble is far from over
Get the anger out, give it a voice
You are never going to get it right if you don't get real
Mindy Smith
Diana Krall
Charlotte Martin
Natalie Merchant
Shawn Colvin
Deborah Cox
Indigo Girls
Lisa Loeb
The Pretenders
Good Charlotte
Sinead O'Connor
Kate Bush
Mazzy Star
Billy Holiday
Roberta Flack
Fugees
Otis Redding
WC Handy
Uncle Cracker
Dobie Gray
Momma said there would be days like this
The face is the image of the soul
Growing old is mandatory, growing up is not
I don't need a role, I need a purpose
Nothing more, nothing less. What does that mean? It means that we are nothing more than what we are, we are nothing less, we are just somewhere in the middle
Square one
universal human expression of love
You cannot end a sentence with 'and'
Serendipity
Ain't too proud to blog
Imaginary mind
A new day, a new beginning a new start
Dream, desire, live, inspire, belive, laugh, love,
Temper is the one thing that you cannot get rid of by losing it
Gulit is like a bag of bricks, just set it down and walk away
Read all about it
Forgiveness is not easy but it has to be done
When I say that I forgive you is that me telling you that what you did was okay?
You cannot change what you don't acknowledge
It will be relevant when it's relevant
Make peace with the past, (and the present and the future for that matter)
Get real, get smart, get going
This is not what I signed up for
Marriage hungry?
Relationship autopsy- when your past relationships affect today
The next level
Define your three healthiest and three unhealthiest relationships
You never know what you are missing in your life until it arrives
Competitive
First generation college student
People are fairly trainable, you teach people how to treat you
You did what you knew how to do and when you knew better you did better
Do you have any identity for yourself?
Intimacy is not about sex
I don't know how I would exsist without you
What happened was like a psychological skin burn
I'm going to take that power back
Minimal effective response
What is the least that I can do to get emotional closure?
You owe it to yourself to stand up for yourself
Acknowledge out loud
Forgiving doesn't make it okay
It is about choice, as adults we get to decide
Break the parental legacy
It starts at home
I'm a better woman than that
Stop stressing about the past
Life is like a sponge, you have to squeeze to get every last drop out
I want a harmonious life
Choose the way that you act
Life has never been this real
Happy ending? No, happy beginning
Wants to stop hiding her true self
In a good relationship, can't shut up
What does it mean to have a new life
I haven't been proactive
Three rules to remember when expressing anger:
-Use "I feel" statements, leave "you" out
-No name calling
-Discuss one fight at a time
Three rules to remember when someone is angry with you:
-Breathe, listen, validate
Click into your passion
For the first time I'm seeing my future
I just want you to love me
I felt like I was heard
I feel rejuvinated
I want to thank you for giving me the best days of my life
Is it changeworthy behavior?
The resolution process
Completely disconnected
Hobby rather than obsession, balance
Something is just not right
Feel heard, feel understood
Scared to fail
What I want is only a decision away
Be on the same page
There is a void in there
Natalie Imbruglia- Come September
Movie- Parallel Lives
Movie- American Graffiti
Rolling Stones- Wild Horses
Solidify
The Red Shoe Diaries
Norah Jones- Live in New Orleans (2002)
Keeper of the Stars
I'm not made that way
Today My World Slipped Away
Margaritaville
Drift Away
American Pie
Enigma
Celtic Harp
Can you handle the truth?
Sheryl Crow and Dixie Chix- When you were mine
The first cut is the deepest
Where the dirt road ends, pavement begins
George Strait- I miss my Mary
Spongeworthy
Vanity sizing
Men hunt, women nest
Fisher
The best things happen when you expect the least
Nothing more than a first date
Wants, needs, desires
Easy on the eyes
Emotional girl
Sopisticated lady
I'm a mutt, don't nobody want me
Never go to bed mad
Hurry up and wait
Saving face
Four staples of marriage:
Money
Kids
Religion
In-laws
The real trouble is far from over
Get the anger out, give it a voice
You are never going to get it right if you don't get real
Mindy Smith
Diana Krall
Charlotte Martin
Natalie Merchant
Shawn Colvin
Deborah Cox
Indigo Girls
Lisa Loeb
The Pretenders
Good Charlotte
Sinead O'Connor
Kate Bush
Mazzy Star
Billy Holiday
Roberta Flack
Fugees
Otis Redding
WC Handy
Uncle Cracker
Dobie Gray
Momma said there would be days like this
The face is the image of the soul
Growing old is mandatory, growing up is not
I don't need a role, I need a purpose
Nothing more, nothing less. What does that mean? It means that we are nothing more than what we are, we are nothing less, we are just somewhere in the middle
Square one
universal human expression of love
You cannot end a sentence with 'and'
Serendipity
Ain't too proud to blog
Imaginary mind
A new day, a new beginning a new start
Dream, desire, live, inspire, belive, laugh, love,
Temper is the one thing that you cannot get rid of by losing it
Gulit is like a bag of bricks, just set it down and walk away
Read all about it
Forgiveness is not easy but it has to be done
When I say that I forgive you is that me telling you that what you did was okay?
You cannot change what you don't acknowledge
It will be relevant when it's relevant
Make peace with the past, (and the present and the future for that matter)
Get real, get smart, get going
This is not what I signed up for
Marriage hungry?
Relationship autopsy- when your past relationships affect today
The next level
Define your three healthiest and three unhealthiest relationships
You never know what you are missing in your life until it arrives
Competitive
First generation college student
People are fairly trainable, you teach people how to treat you
You did what you knew how to do and when you knew better you did better
Do you have any identity for yourself?
Intimacy is not about sex
I don't know how I would exsist without you
What happened was like a psychological skin burn
I'm going to take that power back
Minimal effective response
What is the least that I can do to get emotional closure?
You owe it to yourself to stand up for yourself
Acknowledge out loud
Forgiving doesn't make it okay
It is about choice, as adults we get to decide
Break the parental legacy
It starts at home
I'm a better woman than that
Stop stressing about the past
Life is like a sponge, you have to squeeze to get every last drop out
I want a harmonious life
Choose the way that you act
Life has never been this real
Happy ending? No, happy beginning
Wants to stop hiding her true self
In a good relationship, can't shut up
What does it mean to have a new life
I haven't been proactive
Three rules to remember when expressing anger:
-Use "I feel" statements, leave "you" out
-No name calling
-Discuss one fight at a time
Three rules to remember when someone is angry with you:
-Breathe, listen, validate
Click into your passion
For the first time I'm seeing my future
I just want you to love me
I felt like I was heard
I feel rejuvinated
I want to thank you for giving me the best days of my life
Is it changeworthy behavior?
The resolution process
Completely disconnected
Hobby rather than obsession, balance
Something is just not right
Feel heard, feel understood
Scared to fail
What I want is only a decision away
Be on the same page
There is a void in there
Thursday, April 1, 2004
Goals
Current mood: motivated 
Redirect priorities
Exercise (lose 70 pounds)
Make time to eat right
Start applying for State jobs
Focus on school, keep up
Lose 40 pounds by 12/31/04 (realistic), size 18
Make myself less available
Make myself appear mysterious
Allow others to earn my trust
Be cautious
Learm, learn, learn!
At least one act of random kindness daily
Eliminate drama
Contribute to society
Watch time spent not being productive
Smile!
Redirect priorities
Exercise (lose 70 pounds)
Make time to eat right
Start applying for State jobs
Focus on school, keep up
Lose 40 pounds by 12/31/04 (realistic), size 18
Make myself less available
Make myself appear mysterious
Allow others to earn my trust
Be cautious
Learm, learn, learn!
At least one act of random kindness daily
Eliminate drama
Contribute to society
Watch time spent not being productive
Smile!
Wednesday, March 10, 2004
Monday, February 9, 2004
Dreams don’t come true… at least not for me…
I just had a very vivid, very emotional dream. This dream was unlike any other that I had ever had. For the past couple years I have been unable to remember my dreams. For the last couple months, I remember more and more about what I dream. For as long as I could remember I hadn’t been able to dream about specific events in my life or the people in my life either. The dreams I had- the faces were non-existent. The names were unrecognizable. I would never dream of people I knew. Or for that matter: foresee something that was about to happen to me in real life. I just awoke from a few hour nap during late afternoon-early evening. I awoke feeling refreshed. I started right in on writing my memoirs when the most powerful emotions started to overcome my being. I sat there remembering details; they were coming to mind in bits and pieces. I soon had all the pieces to the puzzle and began to fit the pieces together.
I remembered him wiping the tears away from my eyes. I remembered him holding my shoulders, as he looked deep into my eyes- telling me everything was going to be okay. I remembered his lips as they so softly touched mine for the first time in a long time. I was so tense, so filled with raging emotions all I could do was to barely pucker. I was in shock. Trying to figure out what his intentions were and why he was doing what he was doing. Why is he taking me back? I kept asking myself. What does he want from me? What does he expect from me? What am I doing? Am I doing the right thing?
All these thoughts and questions raced through my mind for what seemed to be an eternity. I tossed and turned hoping for the thoughts to stop, but for if the dream to end, that I will awaken for the presence of him to be real in real life. I wanted so badly to grasp hold of him and pull him out with me. I wanted the insecure feelings to end. But more importantly I wanted to hold onto him for the rest of my life.
When I awoke, needless to say I was disappointed. I rolled over with the thought that I still had very vibrant in my minds eye that he was lying there next to me. I rolled over to utter loneliness. I thought for certain, for as real as the dream appeared to be, that he would be holding me close when I awoke.
I got up, and the pieces started coming. I sat at my desk and the thoughts just wouldn’t stop pouring in. They consumed my mind to the point that I couldn’t concentrate. I knew I had to do something, I just wasn’t sure yet what it was that I had to do. As the time went by I thought what do I have to lose. It’s been over a couple years since I’ve held this man. Quite a while since I’ve spoken with him and what seems to be an eternity since I’ve seen him. If it wasn’t for the brief coincidental meeting at a convenience store several months ago, I’m not sure if I would remember what he looks like. I have very fond memories of what I do remember. I remember the two moles on his tummy that look like they have been pressed together- they are identical. I remember the scars on his side from when he had a surgery several years before we even met. I remember the look in his eyes when he so truthfully and sincerely told me he loved me time and time again. I remember the pride he felt when he handed me a bouquet of flowers every now and then, sometimes for no reason at all. I remembered all the times we shared. The years spent with him were the most impressionable years of my life. As when we met I was mentally a mere child. Physically 19 years old. I hadn’t a clue. I had never been in love for one. And the love that was brought about was not only confusing for me, but for him as well. As I was his first love too. I was the first person he was intimate with. That not only intimidated me, but scared me. How was I to be the fortunate one to take away what he has held onto so dear for the past 27 years? What gave me that right? How did I get so lucky? That’s a question we always asked one another. How did I get so lucky to find you of all people, amongst all the people in this world of ours?
Now, the time has come for us to part ways. We knew that we were doing the right thing- as our relationship wasn’t meant to be. I was much too young to hold onto something that wasn’t right- for one reason, or the many others. I knew we had to do it- it was only a matter of time that we fell out of love.
We tried for several months after parting ways to mend our relationship. We tried to get back that loving feeling we once had; the one that we held onto far after the first few months that most relationships have. We were as deeply in love over a year into our relationship as we were the night we professed our love for one another.
After thinking for a bit I knew that I wanted nothing more than to get back that feeling if it still existed. I, without thinking twice, picked up the phone. One would think that my hands would be shaking as I dialed the number. One would think that my voice would be shaky as ‘she’ answered and I had no other choice but to ask for him. She so kindly said, “sure, hold on a second” as she handed the phone over to him. As he latched a hold of the phone and said “hello”- I so confidently and inquisitively said “Steve”?” there was a very brief pause as I had recalled his voice as if I heard it whispering in my ear minutes earlier in my dream. He knew my voice as well; he knew who was on the other end of the line. But I had no other thoughts in mind as I didn’t script what I was going to say if he answered the phone. I merely said- “this is Mary”. Without a moments thought on his behalf, I heard the phone signal die, just like, just like our relationship had. Now- I just wish these dreams would come to an end. For now, now I have my closure.
I remembered him wiping the tears away from my eyes. I remembered him holding my shoulders, as he looked deep into my eyes- telling me everything was going to be okay. I remembered his lips as they so softly touched mine for the first time in a long time. I was so tense, so filled with raging emotions all I could do was to barely pucker. I was in shock. Trying to figure out what his intentions were and why he was doing what he was doing. Why is he taking me back? I kept asking myself. What does he want from me? What does he expect from me? What am I doing? Am I doing the right thing?
All these thoughts and questions raced through my mind for what seemed to be an eternity. I tossed and turned hoping for the thoughts to stop, but for if the dream to end, that I will awaken for the presence of him to be real in real life. I wanted so badly to grasp hold of him and pull him out with me. I wanted the insecure feelings to end. But more importantly I wanted to hold onto him for the rest of my life.
When I awoke, needless to say I was disappointed. I rolled over with the thought that I still had very vibrant in my minds eye that he was lying there next to me. I rolled over to utter loneliness. I thought for certain, for as real as the dream appeared to be, that he would be holding me close when I awoke.
I got up, and the pieces started coming. I sat at my desk and the thoughts just wouldn’t stop pouring in. They consumed my mind to the point that I couldn’t concentrate. I knew I had to do something, I just wasn’t sure yet what it was that I had to do. As the time went by I thought what do I have to lose. It’s been over a couple years since I’ve held this man. Quite a while since I’ve spoken with him and what seems to be an eternity since I’ve seen him. If it wasn’t for the brief coincidental meeting at a convenience store several months ago, I’m not sure if I would remember what he looks like. I have very fond memories of what I do remember. I remember the two moles on his tummy that look like they have been pressed together- they are identical. I remember the scars on his side from when he had a surgery several years before we even met. I remember the look in his eyes when he so truthfully and sincerely told me he loved me time and time again. I remember the pride he felt when he handed me a bouquet of flowers every now and then, sometimes for no reason at all. I remembered all the times we shared. The years spent with him were the most impressionable years of my life. As when we met I was mentally a mere child. Physically 19 years old. I hadn’t a clue. I had never been in love for one. And the love that was brought about was not only confusing for me, but for him as well. As I was his first love too. I was the first person he was intimate with. That not only intimidated me, but scared me. How was I to be the fortunate one to take away what he has held onto so dear for the past 27 years? What gave me that right? How did I get so lucky? That’s a question we always asked one another. How did I get so lucky to find you of all people, amongst all the people in this world of ours?
Now, the time has come for us to part ways. We knew that we were doing the right thing- as our relationship wasn’t meant to be. I was much too young to hold onto something that wasn’t right- for one reason, or the many others. I knew we had to do it- it was only a matter of time that we fell out of love.
We tried for several months after parting ways to mend our relationship. We tried to get back that loving feeling we once had; the one that we held onto far after the first few months that most relationships have. We were as deeply in love over a year into our relationship as we were the night we professed our love for one another.
After thinking for a bit I knew that I wanted nothing more than to get back that feeling if it still existed. I, without thinking twice, picked up the phone. One would think that my hands would be shaking as I dialed the number. One would think that my voice would be shaky as ‘she’ answered and I had no other choice but to ask for him. She so kindly said, “sure, hold on a second” as she handed the phone over to him. As he latched a hold of the phone and said “hello”- I so confidently and inquisitively said “Steve”?” there was a very brief pause as I had recalled his voice as if I heard it whispering in my ear minutes earlier in my dream. He knew my voice as well; he knew who was on the other end of the line. But I had no other thoughts in mind as I didn’t script what I was going to say if he answered the phone. I merely said- “this is Mary”. Without a moments thought on his behalf, I heard the phone signal die, just like, just like our relationship had. Now- I just wish these dreams would come to an end. For now, now I have my closure.
Thursday, December 25, 2003
Tuesday, December 23, 2003
Monday, December 8, 2003
PS
PS
The scent is intoxicating
It fills my thoughts with excitement
My body with desire
My soul with ecstasy
It’s a very masculine scent
It brings out the hunger inside me
Made of a blend of lavender, sage and jasmine,
And rose and amber and musk…
PS
As I lie in bed at night
I smell this engaging aroma
As it lingers upon on my pillows
Thoughts of the rendezvous
Running through my head
Thinking of the times we shared
So tender and so fond
The scent is intoxicating
It fills my thoughts with excitement
My body with desire
My soul with ecstasy
It’s a very masculine scent
It brings out the hunger inside me
Made of a blend of lavender, sage and jasmine,
And rose and amber and musk…
PS
As I lie in bed at night
I smell this engaging aroma
As it lingers upon on my pillows
Thoughts of the rendezvous
Running through my head
Thinking of the times we shared
So tender and so fond
Friday, December 5, 2003
Sunday, November 23, 2003
Monday, November 17, 2003
Monday, November 3, 2003
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
